What is the overall message of the book?
Manson argues that our constant need for self-improvement, happiness, social validation, superficial materialism, and monetary success is actually what creates dissatisfaction and frustration. Instead, you should embrace life’s inherent struggles and limitations, identify and focus on values that genuinely matter, and understand that happiness comes from solving meaningful problems rather than avoiding pain. After all, you only have so many fucks to give, so to maximize our focus on the truly important things, we must be very deliberate in choosing what to care about in life.
He offers 5 values to uphold:
- Taking responsibility for everything that happens, be it your fault or not.
- Accepting uncertainty, that you might be wrong, and that you don’t know everything.
- Embracing failure and being willing to uncover your flaws and fix them.
- Practicing rejection by focusing on a few important things and saying no to the rest.
- Reflecting on your mortality to keep your life and values in perspective.
How does the author’s argument unfold?
Striving won’t make you happy.
Manson begins by saying striving for more happiness, money, success, experiences, friends, possessions, attractiveness, etc. all simply emphasizes what you currently lack.
Not giving a fuck doesn’t mean being apathetic or not caring about anything. It means:
- Define and follow your own set of values instead of following societal expectations of what you should care about. By knowing what’s genuinely important to you, you are better equipped to do what you think is right regardless of what anyone might say.
- Simplify your priorities, rather than pursuing everything makes you happier. Focusing on more important parts of your life such as your friends and family, a fulfilling career, and a committed relationship, is a more satisfying approach.
- Take it easy. When you care less about something, you may become better at it as there is less pressure. Often the person who is least interested in a goal ends up achieving it.
Happiness is misunderstood.
Most people answer the question “what do you want from life?” by saying they want a happy, carefree life with all the things they desire. The typical happiness formula society teaches us is as follows: if I achieve or obtain x, I’ll be happy. If I land my dream job, I’ll be happy. However, according to Manson, happiness is not something one earns or acquires through accomplishments. It comes from solving problems and overcoming challenges that improve our lives, create satisfaction, and are long-lasting. So a better question to ask is “what are you willing to struggle for, and how much pain are you willing to endure?”
We’re Hardwired for Unhappiness.
The author argues that unhappiness is actually part of our biology. We are genetically predisposed to use dissatisfaction and suffering as a motivation to improve our lives. For example, our ancestors would search out, build, and fight for better living conditions when unsatisfied with their current situation.
By the same logic, problems are actually good for you. It’s impossible to feel good all the time because you’re always going to experience pain. Most of the time, pain is a prerequisite for feeling good. For example, you can’t improve your physique without the pain of exercising. So continuously facing pain leads to satisfaction and better circumstances. Thus, you should strive for good problems.
When things are bad, however, Manson notes that we need to not take feelings so seriously. When feeling pain, you shouldn’t aim to escape it ASAP. Embrace the experience instead and see what it can teach you. This allows you to not beat yourself up because you feel bad, and allow you to think clearly about how to solve the problem.
To further solidify his argument, Manson explains that the purpose of emotions is to give you feedback.
- Negative emotions are a signal to change and learn from your mistakes.
- Position emotions are a reward for doing the right thing and encourages you to continue doing it.
Emotions should act as a guide to steer you towards positive circumstances, but they aren’t a worthwhile goal in and of themselves. Manson offers a word of caution here: don’t make decisions based on emotions without applying reason. Quitting your job to start painting because it “felt right” is a terrible decision. Emotions are part of life, but not the only important part.
The Entitlement Trap
Something that is rampant today which causes people to be more miserable and less likely to cope with the challenges in life is the feeling of entitlement.
This can take one of two forms:
- Believing you’re entitled to feel good all the time.
- Believing you’re special and different.
Note:
- You can feel different in a positive way, such as believing you’re the smartest person in every room.
- You can also feel different in a negative way because you’ve faced a certain challenge or had something bad happen to you, you deserve pity, you’re damaged beyond repair, and so everyone’s on a different playing field than you.
Entitlement is a problem because:
- It keeps you from growing and learning.
- You feel deserving of rewards you didn’t earn.
- You attribute all success to yourself and failures to circumstance.
You are average. Manson’s words, not mine. You’re probably average at most things you set out to do. You’re not special, what you do doesn’t matter all that much, and much of your life will be dull and unexciting, but that doesn’t make you a failure. Accepting this reality takes the pressure off the need to feel exceptional all the time, allowing you to do and achieve whatever you want without unrealistic expectations.
Defining your values.
There are only so many things that matter in life. The author argues you go through life giving too many fucks. You need to choose constructive values to decide what you care about most and reject the rest.
The author defines values as what you believe to be important and what you want to achieve. To identify these constructive values, you must start by questioning yourself through three levels of self-awareness discovery:
- Value level 1: Identify the what
Learn to recognize when something is bothering you and identify what you’re feeling. - Value level 2: Identify the why
Next, you should ask yourself why you feel this way. Once you understand the cause, you can change. It can help to keep asking yourself “why” until you no longer have an answer. - Value level 3: Identify the personal values behind your emotions
The last step is to ask yourself: how do I define success and failure and what yardstick am I measuring myself against? The problems we have are a result of the values we hold, so ultimately, values are what affect your happiness and satisfaction.
Manson spends the rest of the book discussing the 5 values he argues everyone should uphold.
1. Taking Responsibility
A difficult problem can either make you feel miserable, or it can give you a sense of empowerment and accomplishment for solving it. The difference in perspective is the degree to which you’re responsible for the problem. So, the author advises that no matter what situation you’re in, accept that it’s your responsibility to react and make choices to better your circumstances.
Not only should you accept responsibility, you have to. You are, in fact, responsible for everything in your life. In any situation, you choose the values and standards you live by and how to react. Even choosing not to respond to something is a response, for which, you’re responsible.
Responsibility vs Blame
Taking responsibility for something doesn’t mean taking blame for it. It’s not your fault if you got hit by a drunk driver, but it is your responsibility how you react to it.
The author equates this concept to time: blame exists in the past, while responsibility exists in the present. Blaming is asking “how did this situation happen”. Taking responsibility is asking “what am I going to do about it”.
2. Accepting Uncertainty
In order to grow, the author argues we need to entertain doubt in our beliefs, values, and rightness. Rather than trying to prove we’re right, we should look for ways we might be wrong. After all, we have to make mistakes to learn from them. Being self-critical allows us to learn and grow, which is a life-long journey of continuously building our beliefs.
Another benefit of accepting uncertainty is becoming a nicer person. You’re less prone to judge others or yourself, and you’re less likely to harbour biases. Similarly, when someone is too certain, they can be defensive, insecure, and angry when their beliefs are challenged.
On the flip side, you can also have negative certainties based on anxiety, fear, and doubt. For example, you might assume others will laugh at your ideas if you share them, so you don’t even try. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. The key is, again, to embrace the uncertainty of what might happen because you’ll never know until you try.
Mason suggests to think of your personal growth as a trial-and-error process, similar to the scientific method:
- Your values are hypotheses.
- Your actions are experiments.
- Your post-action thoughts and feelings are your data.
3 Questions to Cultivate Doubt:
- Could I be wrong?
- If I am wrong, what does that mean?
- Would changing my position improve or worsen this situation?
3. Embracing Failure
Similar to embracing uncertainty, Manson says to succeed, you first have to fail, usually multiple times. Improvement is a result of many failures. The more you’ve failed, the greater the scope of your success. So if you want to succeed at something, you have to be willing to fail at it.
Just Start
People often don’t change because it seems too complicated, and that they don’t want to fail. According to the author, there isn’t a formula to change, we just have to do it – “the solution to many problems in life is just taking a step that we already know is necessary.”
Set a Low Bar, Then Clear It.
Most people are not taking action because they fear failure. Manson notes this is another reason why “just do something” is a good place to start. “The bar is so low that making a mistake is less of a concern.” Any action at all is an accomplishment. So that one small victory will lead to the next, and minimize the consequences of failure.
4. Practicing Rejection
Modern culture encourages the message of always being positive and accepting of everything – to always say yes. However, you have no values at all if you value everything equally. So the author suggests to practice rejecting things that don’t align with your values and goals. Narrowing our options to be happy might seem counterintuitive, but “the meaning of life comes from caring a lot about a few select things.”
Why Less Is More
There’s a term in psychology called the “paradox of choice”, which describes the idea of how the more options we have, the less satisfied we are with the options we chose because we’re left pondering about the ones we didn’t choose.
When you’re young, experiencing as many different things as possible and trying to see what your interests are is helpful. However, as you age, chasing new experiences offers diminishing returns. So Manson argues we should focus on the people and experiences that bring us the most satisfaction, and reject the ones that don’t. Let it become quality over quantity – narrow the range, and deepen the depth.
Rejection Is a Social Skill
Rejection is key to building healthy relationships. If you don’t practice rejection, you’ll get stuck in unwanted situations because you keep saying yes to everyone. Being “comfortable saying no and getting no for an answer” means this is a relationship built on honesty and openness.
5. Reflecting on Mortality
Death is the ultimate yardstick we all use to measure our life and meaning. Without it, our lives and values don’t have meaning.
The author shares that accepting death is “getting rid of superficial or selfish values” and considering the impact made by your life. Choose values and make decisions with mortality in mind. This means being part of or caring about something greater than yourself.
This idea encapsulates the title of the book, “prioritize what’s important, and stop chasing or worrying about trivial things.”
You see the importance of spending your fucks wisely when you recognize that your time is finite.
Is the author’s argument valid?
Manson’s argument echo many stoic philosophers and most major religions. Based on anecdotal evidence and listening to the experience of people much smarter and more accomplished than me, I can conclude these argument are tried and true; however, that is also where this book falls short. Much of the advice Manson offers is trite. We’ve heard it a billion times, take responsibility for your life – you can’t control what happens to you, only how you react. You’re not right about everything, so be humble. Failure is a good teacher – practice makes perfect. Worldly pursuits won’t make you happy. I recognize just because something is cliche, doesn’t make it any less true. However, I was hoping for more unique insights when diving into this book.
Because of its cliched nature, I won’t go into detail to support the validity of the book, but there are a few messages that I want to critique. Manson states that striving won’t make you happy as it simply emphasizes your dissatisfaction. He subsequently goes on to say that dissatisfaction is the key to solving problems, which ultimately brings happiness. Thus, it stands to reason that striving does bring happiness, with the caveat of having dissatisfaction as the middle man. Manson also advises the reader to “take it easy”, often the less interested person ends up achieving the goal. While I acknowledge the benefit of having less pressure, and therefore, a lower barrier of entry, I’ve also never heard a success story that didn’t involve absolute focus, intention, and obsession.
What now?
Again, because the overall advice in this book isn’t very novel, I’m already implementing much of the ideas into my own life. Still, there are some noteworthy suggestions I want to adopt.
Firstly, I like what Manson said about how emotions are a guide and that you should aim to experience it instead of shying away from it. It’s not uncommon for me to treat negative emotions as a problem to be solved instead of a lesson to be learned. I’d disassociate in the moment and try to alleviate it as quickly as possible without reflecting why I felt the way I felt. In so doing, the negative emotions often come back as I never get to the root of the cause.
Accepting uncertainty is another value I want to adopt; specifically, avoiding negative certainties. This is particularly challenging for me as I’m no stranger to anxiety. I often feel the need to imagine every worst case scenario possible because, in my mind, it will somehow lessen the blow should those scenarios come to pass if I am mentally prepared for it. Consequently, I will strive to embrace the unknown. Every time I catch myself asking “what if XYZ happens”, I’ll instead ask “what if it doesn’t”.
Despite my harsh judgment of this book, the advice is actually very sound. Naturally, if you’re reading this and are not actively integrating the 5 values into your life, I implore you to do so.